Seeing Candor Differently: Turning Toward People’s Bids for Connection

We talk a lot about the power of psychological safety in teams and how it enables trust, belonging, learning, and collaboration. We celebrate it as the magic ingredient for healthy, high-performing cultures. When people feel safe, they speak up, share ideas, and challenge assumptions.

But there’s a side to that candor that we don’t often discuss. When psychological safety works, it often means that leaders will be challenged more—and not always gently. Candor comes in many forms: a blunt comment in a meeting, a direct critique, or a matter-of-fact suggestion with little emotional padding. None of these are inherently bad. In fact, they are signs of health. But for leaders—especially those not used to hearing such direct input—we may feel uncomfortable, even threatened.

I call this the dark side of candor. Not because it’s negative, but because it’s a side of healthy team dynamics that doesn’t get much light. But it’s where leaders grow the most if we’re willing to face it with curiosity instead of defensiveness.

The Connection Behind the Candor

To better understand how to engage with this “dark side,” let’s borrow wisdom from an unexpected place: marriage research.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman spent decades studying what makes marriages thrive versus fall apart. Surprisingly, success wasn’t about shared interests, grand gestures, or even conflict resolution. It came down to how couples handled small, everyday moments, or what Gottman called bids for connection.

A “bid” is any attempt someone makes to connect: a comment, a question, even a sigh or glance. Gottman found that relationships strengthen or wither based on how we respond to these bids. When one partner turns toward the other’s bid—with attention, empathy, and engagement—connection grows. When they turn away or against, trust erodes.

This principle isn’t limited to marriages. Every workplace interaction is full of similar bids for connection. People want to be seen, heard, and valued. They want to know their voice matters even when their “bid” comes through as unpolished criticism, complaint, or challenge.

Let’s look at some examples.

Common Bids in the Workplace

According to Gottman, we can respond to these bids in three ways. 

1. Turn Toward, which is acknowledging and engaging. It’s being curious and giving space to expand the interaction.
   • To the waste-of-time meeting statement, “Yeah, that meeting did feel long. What do you think would make it more productive next time?”
   • To our colleague feeling overwhelmed, we can say, “I can tell you’ve got a lot on your plate. What part feels heaviest right now?”
   • To the request for a moment to talk, “Absolutely, come in. Let’s talk through it together.”
2. Turn Away, which ignores and deflects, even though it may be unintentional. 
   • To the meeting bid, “Yeah, meetings are always like that.” (while typing an email)
   • In response to the overwhelmed colleague, “We’re all busy right now.”
   • To the request for a moment to talk, “Can you send me an email instead?”
3. Turn Against, rejecting or criticizing the bid. 
   • “That’s a terrible attitude.”
   • “You’re not the only one who’s overwhelmed.”
   • “I’m too busy for this right now.”

So, Why Does This Matter?

The small moments matter. Every interaction deposits or withdraws from the “emotional bank account” of our relationships. Over time, those deposits and withdrawals shape how our people experience us as a leader.

When leaders repeatedly turn toward their team’s bids—even when they come through as messy or challenging—they build reservoirs of trust. That trust is what allows teams to sustain high performance, navigate conflict, and maintain psychological safety over time.

But when leaders unconsciously turn away or against bids, they send subtle but powerful messages: I’m too busy for you. Your input doesn’t matter. You’re on your own. These moments erode trust and make people think twice before speaking up again.

That’s why understanding the connection behind candor is critical. Candor isn’t just information exchange, it’s relationship exchange. It’s someone saying, “I care enough to speak honestly,” and hoping you’ll care enough to listen well.

Let’s Lead Through Connection

So how do we grow in this? Here are a few practical actions:

1. Recognize Your Default Response. Pay attention to how you usually respond to people’s bids. Do you tend to deflect, defend, or dive in? Awareness is the first step toward change. Spend some time tracking, analyzing, and reflecting on the trends of your natural responses. 
2. Slow Down and Be Curious. Not every complaint or challenge is criticism. Often, it’s actually curiosity, frustration, or fatigue wearing a mask. Instead of reacting, ask a curious question:
   “That’s interesting, tell me more about what’s behind that.”
3. Respond with Presence, Not Perfection. Turning toward a bid doesn’t mean you must fix it immediately. Sometimes all that’s needed is acknowledgement: “I hear you.” “Thanks for bringing that up.” 
4. Co-Create Solutions When Appropriate. When someone brings a legitimate issue, invite them into problem-solving: “That sounds frustrating. What do you think we can try to make it better?” This transforms the moment from complaint to collaboration.
5. Practice This Beyond Work. Remember, Gottman’s research started with marriages. Your spouse, kids, and friends all make daily bids for connection too. Your leadership presence at home matters as much as at work.

Conclusion

Leadership isn’t just about vision or strategy. It’s a people business; it’s about connection. And connection is built one response at a time.

Yes, it’s hard work. It takes emotional energy and tremendous patience to slow down, listen well, and engage with care — especially when candor feels uncomfortable. But that’s the sacred work of leadership, showing up for people in small moments that matter most.

I don’t write this as someone who’s mastered it. I fail at turning toward bids daily with my team, my spouse, and my kids. But I keep trying. Because when we choose to turn toward others—to see even rough, unpolished candor as a bid for connection—we build the kind of relationships where trust, safety, and real performance can thrive.